so you told them you thought i gave up? you told them you thought that what i was asking of you would take too much time? you said that you can’t change everything i am asking of you over night? how is it that i’ve been talking for months and you have heard nothing of what i’ve been saying? i am nervous about monday and i am doing my best to not have a negative attitude about it, but i feel like you don’t get me. it feels like you don’t understand what i need and what i am asking for. i feel you think that what i am asking of you is unfair. how is that even possible?

i love you. i wouldn’t have married you if i didn’t. i chose to be yours from before we said “i do”. i worked to make this work and told you time and again how alone i felt, how much i felt like i was carrying the marriage the relationship and our family. i looked to you to lead our family, to be the head and to move toward God. i feel like all that has happened is that we stopped moving. like a shark, if i am not moving i am dying. i feel like i’ve been dying slowly for so long. there have been days when you moved a bit and then others (more than not) when i am pulling you behind me and making little to no progress.

i often wonder if my expectations are unreasonable, if i am asking too much of you. i have thought and thought and i don’t think so. i am not asking any more of you than i feel any husband should be willing to do. i feel like if i tried to do what you are doing, you would have a cow. if i asked you to work and support us while i did nothing and slept all day and sat around and did nothing productive most days you would lose it. yet that is exactly what has happened. that is exactly what you are doing to me.

since i left, you have vacuumed and mowed the front yard and some of the back. in less than a week you have done more than i have asked of you in a  month. how is that possible? you went and helped a friend move and helped her pack and get ready, really? it took me leaving to get you off your butt and up and moving. i can’t do this every time you need a little extra kick of motivation.

do you even realize what you ask of me most days with your actions? you say you love me yet when i tell you that my love language is acts of service, and then i ask you to do laundry and you don’t, i feel like you are saying, “well i love you, just not that much”. i feel like everyday i fight for us. i work, i pray, i read my bible and i reach out to friends for prayer and you sit alone at home. what are you doing? you know the words to say and the phrases to use but then that’s were it stops, that’s as far as you go. we can’t pay the bills with a promise, we can’t feed ourselves with mere spoken words, and we can’t bless others if we hide in our house in the dark.

we are supposed to be walking together, but i feel like i’ve been walking alone for a while. i feel like the more i try and tell you how alone i feel, the more you pull away and the more you decide to let me walk alone and pull you behind me. i am tired of pulling; my legs are burning my arms feel like noodles and i say “enough”. i say stand up and pick up your mat. i don’t know what else i could possibly do to help, there is a point when you have to reach out and put a foot down and take a step. i just hope you realize that before i’m truly done.