i have been racking my brain trying to think about what it is that i want. to try and figure out where my head and heart really are with all of this. today is one week since i packed a couple of bags and walked out the door. i have not started missing him yet. shouldn’t i be missing him right now? i just feel numb inside. at least when it comes to thinking about him.when i think about my dog, i miss her i feel like i can’t imagine a future without her and then it comes to him and it’s like, eh. this lack of emotional response makes me wonder if i ever really loved him. i know that i care about him and that i want what is best for him, but i also know that i don’t want to be around for the journey.

so, now what? we have a therapy session scheduled for monday afternoon. part of me really wonders what its for. he spoke with an older friend of ours and made a statement that basically made the friend believe that he thinks i’m asking for too much too fast. really?! really?! for 18 months i have been asking for something, anything. work, clean, do laundry, play the piano, read the bible, do something…anything! but no, i would come home and nothing would be different. and now, he mowed the lawn, and vacuumed, in five days, that’s what he’s done. granted that’s still more than before, but its still unacceptable.

then there is the issues of his mocking me when we are being intimate or hurting me intentionally to make me feel pain. a few weeks back, i was telling a story about how slowly he works when preparing to eat. he takes his time and makes sure he has all the condiments and everything is just so. i gulp it down most times before he even starts to eat. we were out with friends and i started to tell that anecdote while he was very carefully constructing his hamburger with all the toppings including jalapenos. as i was telling the story he reached over and tapped my lips with his fingers that had fresh jalapeno juice on them. i am highly sensitive to spice and do not handle it well. as i was sitting there, obviously in pain and trying to cool off my lips with the glass of ice water and with drinking water and everything else i could think of he just ate and went on not once acknowledging my pain or that he had even hurt or caused me pain. all i could do was sit there and cry i was so angry. later, he told me he was embarrassed and wanted me to stop telling the story, but rather than ask me to stop or wait and talk to me, he tapped my lips. when i asked him if he realized he had the jalapeno juice on his fingers he said yes and that he knew it would hurt.

who does that?! who intentionally hurts their spouse, significant other or even a friend? its those little incidents that when put together with the lack of action on his part to be engaged in the marriage that make me not want to go back, no matter how much he does or works. so…now what?